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From Jeremy:

 

Dear Ms Sutton, I am writing you to share a true experience that happened to me about female domination. Back in 1982, I was a freshman in college and I read an article in Club magazine titled the Kalman Diaries, or something like that. It was a story about a masochistic man that was tortured and dominated by a wealthy sadistic woman. This story contained some very intense and vivid details about how this woman whipped and abused this man. She had a sound proof room where most of this took place. When I read this story, something went off on the inside of me and from that moment, I became obsessed with female domination and sadistic women.

 

The thing that I found the most bizarre yet exciting in the Kalman Diaries was how this woman trained this man to be her human toilet. She called it Immense Body Service or something like that. She actually relieved herself in this man's mouth and trained him to ingest it all, both her golden and her brown deposits. The description was so disturbing and yet so sensual and exciting. This woman would always relieve herself in this man each night before she went to bed and then give this man a ball beating. Like I said, she was very sadistic and this excited me to no end.

 

My life took a most unusual turn from that day. I was studying to be a computer programmer in college but I never finished getting my degree. I became so obsessed with female domination and the subject of sadistic women that my schoolwork and my social life suffered. I purchased every magazine and book on the subject that I could find. I was use to buying an occasional Penthouse or Club magazine for around $3 a piece but now I was buying 8 and 9 dollar fetish and female domination magazines by the score. I bought videos and 8mm movies and I roamed from adult bookstores to old paperback exchange bookstores looking for any kind of books about sadistic women dominating men. The more I read, the more my appetite grew for female domination. I spent days upon days and weeks upon weeks fantasizing about being a masochistic male to a sadistic woman.

 

Through the magazines, I discovered the professional Dominatrix. I visited over a dozen of them that were located in southern California. I had some very intense scenes with these ladies but I still had not found that true sadistic woman that was like the woman in the Kalman Diaries. I wondered many times if such a woman even existed. The majority of the Pro Doms were very skilled at the arts of S&M and B&D and most of these ladies were extremely helpful and nice. My sessions with them were exciting but they only further fueled my desire to find a lifestyle sadistic woman that fit the woman of my fantasies. I went through my entire savings that my father had given me for my education. Once I was broke, I wrote some computer software and sold them for income. I worked as little as possible to live and to finance my obsessive habit of indulging in female domination. Most of my time was spent searching for literature about female domination and seeking out the sadistic woman of my dreams.

 

I joined fetish and D&S groups, I attended fetish parties in California and New York, and I placed hundreds of personal ads in kinky contact publications. I met some interesting people and had a few wild encounters but I still had not found my dream woman.

 

Then I answered an ad that I found in the contact section of one of the fetish newspapers. It was from a woman and all it said was something like, "Sadistic girl seeks sincere male to torture". I had answered similar ads before but they usually were just a professional Dom trying to add to her clientele. However, this time was different. After some letter writing and one very long phone call, I met this woman at a public bar. Her voice sounded so sweet and innocent on the phone so I didn't think this woman was as at all as she had advertised. When she came over and sat down at my table in that bar that night, I thought I would faint right there. She was the very fulfillment of my fantasies.

 

I was surprised at how young she was. She was only twenty-one and she looked eighteen. At this time, I was twenty-eight. She was stunning. Beautiful face and the most amazing body I had ever seen. Her dark hair and deep brown eyes were haunting. We talked and spent the entire night getting comfortable with each other. The next night, she called me up and asked me if I was serious about being her masochist. I was both scared and excited at the thought that my fantasy was about to come true. I swallowed hard and agreed to her terms. She did not want money. Like me, she had this long time fantasy that she wanted to explore. She said that she had desires to abuse and do sadistic things to men since she was twelve. She was never abused and her father had treated her like gold, so she had no idea where her desires came from. She told me that she had received close to two hundred responses to her personal ad and she had just contacted a few who seemed sincere, but I was the only one that she was attracted to and who stirred her sadistic desires.

 

We arranged the weekend when this was to take place. I met her back at the same bar and I got into her car. She blindfolded me and made me lie on her backseat so I wouldn't see where she lived. I guess that it was about a twenty-minute car drive to her house. She pulled into her garage and closed the door before she took off my blindfold. I had no idea where I was. We walked through a door that went from her garage to her basement. Her basement was dark and damp but she had fixed it up into her torture chamber. She had shackles on the wall, a rubberized examination table, a bondage horse, and all kinds of whips and wicked looking gear. My heart was racing. She asked me one final time if I wanted to back out. I swallowed hard again then I told her that I had to go through with this.

 

Ms Sutton, I could write an entire book about what transpired that next week. We had agreed to a weekend but it lasted for an entire week. This letter is already getting quite lengthy so I will just give you a few highlights. She shackled me to her damp concrete wall and she went and dressed in a leather outfit that made me wild. Her first outfit consisted of a leather bra, thong, gloves, and thigh high boots with spiked heels, all black leather. She was stunning. I was naked and my erection was dripping from excitement and anticipation. She wore other fetish attire during the week but I seem to only to be able to recall that initial outfit. I still see her in that outfit in my dreams.

 

I experienced it all that week. Some of it was exciting and very erotic but most of it was painful and pure hell. She showed me no mercy as we both experienced our fantasies. She got to be sadistic with a man and I got to be a sadistic woman's masochistic slave. She whipped me often and quite severely. I yelled out for mercy and in pain but she only laughed at my discomfort. She tortured me, especially my genitals. My balls were beaten, trampled, kicked, squished, pulled, and stretched to beyond what I thought was biologically possible. My penis was whipped, slapped, burned, clamped, and probed.

 

I was humiliated, teased, mocked, spat upon, and emotionally broken. Oh, and I got to experience my ultimate fantasy. I was used as her human toilet and I ingested lots of her golden nectar and even some of her brown deposit. I got use to the urine and I learned to ingest without too much difficulty but her shit was the grossest experience of my life. To this day, I get sick on my stomach just thinking about it. I can't even look at a turd without almost throwing up. Isn't it funny how the thought of something can cause one to get so excited but the actual experience can turn out to be the most negative experience of one's life? That is what the toilet experience was for me. Actually, most of that entire week was like that.

 

I did get to lick her boots, tongue and worship her ass, and lick her to many orgasms. However, I was always in restrictive bondage and in an uncomfortable position as I orally pleased her, so it was not that erotic for me. She had orgasms to kill for. She screamed and wiggled in pure ecstasy over and over again during the week, when I would service her. I know that she had the time of her life but it was not the time of my life, at least not when it was happening live. Now I did enjoy parts of it, I must confess, but most of the time I was plunging to the depths of brokenness and deprivation.

 

When the week was over, she hosed me down one last time, helped to dress me and drove me back to my car that I had left at the bar (blindfolded again). To my good fortune, my car was still there. I drove home and collapsed on my bed, a totally broken mess of a man. I wept and I shook and I just about had a total breakdown. I had no idea what day it was. I had stripes, welts, and deep bruises on my body from her whippings. I was ill to my stomach and it would take me weeks to get by digestive system and bowels back to normal. My genitals were a mess and above all, emotionally I was a disaster. I never considered suicide or anything like that but I felt like I had totally wasted my life. I had thrown away my educational opportunity and wasted my money to pursue this obsession and now that I had experienced it, I was left unfulfilled and totally broken.

 

She called me about a week later to discuss my thoughts about the experience and to see if I wanted to do it again sometime. I couldn't believe how sadistic this girl was. I talked with her for hours about my broken condition. This seemed to just excite her more. I told her that I could not ever go through something like that again. I did muster the courage to thank her for the experience but I told her that unless she was interested in a real relationship with just a little D&S play, I was not interested in pursing this relationship as her masochist. She laughed and told me that she had no use for me as a boyfriend. She wished me well and then she hung up. My fantasy woman was gone and I was left to pick up the pieces of my broken life.

 

That was ten years ago. I still can only get excited about sex if it is female domination or sadistic sex. I frequently wake up with wet dreams replaying that week with her. I forgot about a lot of what she did to me shortly after it happened, but now I keep remembering things and it always causes me to get an erection. I still visit a few professional Doms to re-live parts of that experience, at least the parts that excite me. I went to a community college and got a degree in Information systems and I now have a steady job. I have dated a number of women but my past still haunts me, as vanilla sex does not excite me at all. I do not know how to truly love a woman or to be intimate with a woman.

 

Now here is the kicker to this entire story and why I decided to write to you to get your thoughts. I ran into her last week at a local mall. She was shopping with two little kids. She looked as beautiful as ever. Actually, even more beautiful then I remembered her. When I saw her, I began to shake. Her kids went into the game room at the mall, and she sat on a bench just outside so she could keep an eye on them. I worked up my courage and I strolled up to her and said Hi. She looked confused at first as she didn't place me right away but then it hit her who I was. I could tell she was a little embarrassed but when I asked her if I could sit next to her, she gave me the Ok. We talked real briefly and I assured her that I was not going to make any trouble for her but that I had always been curious as to what had happened to her.

 

She told me that she is happily married to a doctor and she has two kids. I asked her if she has a FemDom marriage and to my surprise, she said that it wasn't a 24/7 female domination relationship, although she did enjoy playing D&S games with her husband. I asked her how could she be content with that since she was so sadistic. She smiled and told me that she was over all of that, and that she had gotten it out of her system, and she had now settled down and is a happily married housewife and mother. I could hardly believe my ears. I asked her if I was the only man that she had done that with and she confessed to me that she had a few more encounters with a few other men after me over the next year or two but then that was enough to get it out of her system.

 

I started to tell her how that experience had altered my life and not for the good but her kids came over to us, so she just shook my hand and wished me well in life. Once again, she walked out of my life and I was left with my emotions and an empty feeling in my stomach. How could a woman have experienced such an intense week as that, torturing another man, then just drop that part of her personality and become a housewife and a mother? I have these bizarre dreams all of the time and I am sexually dysfunctional, yet she seemed very happy and healthy. Unbelievable.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts, Ms Sutton. I do go to counseling and while I can't bring myself to totally open up about what I did to my therapist, I have told her enough that she has a good feel for my problem. It has helped some and I guess that I am on my way to recovery but I still fantasize about being in a 24/7 female domination marriage and I do highly admire you. Your opinions are thoughtful and very insightful.

 

 

  
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